We're home. The process is complete, the long wait is over, and now we're down to the business of learning to be a family.
Over the last three years, I've looked forward to writing this post. I imagined that the phrases "Our family is finally complete!" and "I love them so much already!" would be used. I'd put in some pictures of happy, smiling children with happy, smiling parents, and our unmixed joy and pleasure would shine right through your computer screens.
But it hasn't quite happened that way.
If I'd written this post twelve days ago, I would have said something like this:
I wish I could rewind back to January 2008 and take it all back.
I just can't stop crying.
We have destroyed our happy family.
If I'd written this post nine days ago, I would have said something like this:
I want to get on this plane by myself and never look back.
I wish I could undo this and make it like it never happened.
I will never love them like I love my older children.
If I'd written this post three days ago, I would have said something like this:
This last hour was actually fun.
Poor little things. I can't imagine the grief and fear they're feeling.
I'm starting to like them.
But I'm writing this today, so I'll say something like this:
I will love these children.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
Everything's going to be okay. It may be a while, but I think it's going to be okay.
Over the last three years, I've looked forward to writing this post. I imagined that the phrases "Our family is finally complete!" and "I love them so much already!" would be used. I'd put in some pictures of happy, smiling children with happy, smiling parents, and our unmixed joy and pleasure would shine right through your computer screens.
But it hasn't quite happened that way.
If I'd written this post twelve days ago, I would have said something like this:
I wish I could rewind back to January 2008 and take it all back.
I just can't stop crying.
We have destroyed our happy family.
If I'd written this post nine days ago, I would have said something like this:
I want to get on this plane by myself and never look back.
I wish I could undo this and make it like it never happened.
I will never love them like I love my older children.
If I'd written this post three days ago, I would have said something like this:
This last hour was actually fun.
Poor little things. I can't imagine the grief and fear they're feeling.
I'm starting to like them.
But I'm writing this today, so I'll say something like this:
I will love these children.
There's a light at the end of this tunnel.
Everything's going to be okay. It may be a while, but I think it's going to be okay.
20 Fellow Bletherers:
The journeys that we most look forward to, the ones that we need to make, are always longer, steeper and harder than we anticipate. That makes 'destinations' worth while. You have a 'destination' waiting for you that's worth the trip. Get good 'walking shoes' for your heart and remember that each step is simply the next step.
I love your honesty! We all need to hear the realities to be prepared for. I know when I was watching someone's boy for a while I decided I would chose to love him everyday, it did not come naturally but when I continually chose it we eventually started to form a bond. I look forward to hearing more of your journey!
When I saw the title of your post I thought "Oh good". I don't hav eany words of wisdom to share with you, but I have to tell you how much I admire you for being honest. Hearing your true feelings makes the rest of us feel that it's okay to be honest. Their are enough blogs out there that make eveyrthing sound all perfect, I'm glad you are strong enough to be honest on yours. I wish you peace and comfort and I look forward to hearing about how your family is adjusting to each other and how things get a little better every day. love Kelsey.
Well, that sounds about normal. Except if you're only 12 days in and you're thinking more positively already, you're actually doing pretty well. :)
Remember: the first six weeks are all about survival. Don't think, don't analyze, don't worry, just eat and sleep and hug and smile and stick to your guns when you are tested. It will be fine.
Gwen, so good to be able to keep in touch this way. Arvid and I have been wondering how you've been doing and how the flight went, etc. You and Usko have been so amazing - you guys are so patient and loving, I am scared to think of how to measure up to you. :-)
Thanks for your honesty...it helps in knowing we won't be alone when we feel that way. For now, we will keep praying for you
Gwen, I was so in awe with both you and the Gulley's when I watched you with your children. I kept thinking, "I'll never be able to do this that well." Thank you for sharing that it's not all cake and roses. You will make it. Your family will make it. Raising children is never easy, but you have a lot of people praying for you. Thank you for sharing this, it will help us when we finally bring our children home. Sending hugs, love and prayers,
~Liesl
hi gwen! i'm new to following your blog - it's great. we've been home for 8 months with our two girls (ages 4 and 2)and it really has been just in the last month or so that i've felt like we're getting the hang of this!what a crazy adventure this international adoption stuff is!i mean to be encouraging - it will get good and fun and sweet and lovely - but it might take a while. i've also just been learning about "pads" - post adoption depression syndrome. rarely spoken about - very very common. anyway - i'm beginning to love my new life, but it wasn't instantaneous by any means! thank god for grace (literally).
karyn.
wow, what a post, it brought back similar memories from my first few days with our son. I remember going from thinking "what have I gotten myself into"... to feeling those same feelings of saddness for him as I came to terms with what he was going through and how difficult it was for him. It is great that you are sharing this with other families, I think it helps to know that they are normal feelings and that with time they pass. In hind sight it is amazing to see just how fast these kids adjust to their new life. We have been a family for 8 months now and I feel like we have always been togehter... a far cry from those feelings we had our first few days and weeks together.
You can do this.
Great post. Thanks for the honesty.
Gwen, I really appreciate your honesty. Thank you!
Gwen, we've had a 17 yr old boy living with us for the last year and I remember days where I just wanted him gone. I have come such a long way. I feel like he is a part of us now and don't regret bringing him into our home. Hang in there. One day at a time and you will become the family God inteads for you to be.
I have complete faith that your family is going to be fine...why? Because of your honesty. I love the fact that you are being real with everyone, but most importantly with yourself. Let me know if you need anything...a phonecall, visit...to vent, laugh, cry...whatever. You are the bravest woman I know. I imagine this will be a journey full of laughter, tears, but most importantly love....
Gwen, your family is going to be more than fine. Your family has great things in store for it. I'm going to remind you of a few things which you already know.
Heb 12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;
He who birthed this idea in you and Usko will finish it to completion.
He is also the God of the widow and orphan and you are doing His business.
If you guys need anything at all please call of us Browns. Everyone I know is behind you 100% sister!!!
This is the first post I have read about adoption that is so real. I have 2 bio children and have often thought how the first days, weeks and months would be. I knew it had to feel this way - and absolutely expect it... Heck, I never "bonded" with my first bio daughter until she was 2 weeks old!I look forward to watching it all come together for you. Thank you for keeping it real!!
....there really are so many moments with all its emotions, to a day! ..let alone.. weeks.. and so on..
.. cyber hugs...
(i love your 'comment' support.. and we really do love your honest, real version.. )
let us help, if we can .. call or send us an SOS..
(((you know we'll come)))
One day at a time. Long-term strategy. We all need healing. That last one says the most. We're going through the same thing. Feel free to e-mail anytime.
so honest.
so humbled by your willingness to open up just that little bit.
so praying for you.
Talk about the 'long haul'.
I love you. Praying for you.
thanks for your honesty..i am sure i will look back and be encouraged to see a light at the end when (if) it is our turn. praying for you today-darci
Great honesty! I felt the same way, though all while we were still in Ethiopia for the most part. I even voiced the words to my husband, thinking he would tell me that we hadn't made a huge mistake and he only confirmed that he had the same fears I did...not a highlight in our adoption journey!
It is of course now, the best thing we ever did! (as opposed to the biggest mistake of our lives!)
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